- Love is a Fast Song
- January 11th, 2009
Lately, I have been overwhelmed with feelings that I really wish I could go into more detail on in this post, but unfortunately if I were to do that, it would make this post seem very emo.
But in short I just have to say this year has been one in which I have felt very alone. I'm not complaining..it has just come to my attention even more abundantly this year, then ever before, that I have never been able to hold any sort of relationship that has lasted more then a few years. In many ways this has worked to my advantage. I've always been able to know a lot of people but few have I ever gotten to know on a deep and meaningful level. And this is wonderful in many ways. It has allowed me to learn how to be a good listener and it has allowed me to easily start up conversations with people that could potentially be awkward, there has never been anyone who I've ever had to tell anything too, or has even wanted to know everything, and it has allowed me to go a lot of places and meet a lot of different people. It leaves me with no attachments and no one to really be accountable to. And of course for me, my relationship with Christ has only grown through this fact of my life. There really is no one else constantly there for me other then Christ. And so since I've never had anyone I've completely confided in before I would imagine my relationship with Christ, probably would feel like your relationships with your best friends, or closest relatives or spouse, or whomever it is you find yourself always running to to talk to.
Christmas break this year happened to be a hard on for me. If you just ask me how it was, I'll tell you it was fine, because well in many ways it was. I got to be with my whole family!!! And I got to hang out with the Bartels and other awesome friends and I even went ice skating with Erin Zacek, and watched good movies with Danielle. So it was good in many ways. But for some reason while I was home everyone seemed overcome with stress or hurt of some kind. It looked different in every case and in every person's life. There were a lot of friends over break who I desperately wanted to see and talk with but most of them I heard were just getting drunk or high most of break, so as much as I wanted to see them, I didn't want to see them like that. And this is where my Christmas break experience ties back into the relationship stuff I was mentioning before. I don't think my friends from high school really realize how much care I still hold in my heart for them. Because I've never in my life had one person whom I've just always had by my side at all times, when I do have good conversations with a person...it stands out in my mind as a memorable experience. To me it means so much that someone would be able to talk to me about their life that they hold so precious to themselves. And so it hurts when I have to realize that many people whom I consider to be a good friend due to a few good conversations I had with them, don't really care about what I'm up to. And its understandable that they don't. I wasn't around all summer I don't have a cell phone, or facebook anymore to keep in touch with people because it causes jealous and pride issues in my life and so I'm not around and obviously people don't feel they can really relate to me because if they did I might have had a good friend or even good boy friend at this point. But no matter how hard I try to let go of relationships in the past my heart still holds on to the things I've seen in them. The good I've seen in them..the passions I've seen in them...and the horrible stories that have hurt them and caused them pain in the past. And so there is so much hope still holding out in me that one day I will get to again have good conversations with these people or even with people here at Taylor where I can share with them this love that is real and that is alive and that is available to all of us. And yet I know myself and I know that my passion in my heart for Christ and his beautiful self-less gift to us, "grace", is something I could never share with them because I don't have a solid, deep and meaningful relationships with them.
Now this is where this gets a little emo. There are many people I love. There are many people I care about and wish I could just once in my life tell them the good I see in them, or the frustration I've had with them, watching them give up on school, or drinking their problems away. And there have been many times I've just wanted to give these people a hug and tell them they are loved by this God, this creator, this king, this father. They are loved more then they'll ever know. They are loved so much that he is daily seeking a relationship with them. But I'm too scared to tell them because I've never dealt with the hurt they had. And knowing myself I am weak and I am weary...and I am so scared. Fear is what has caused me to be a people pleaser, to not call people over break to hang out, to not do many things. Fear really is as the root of all of us in some way or another. But there is one thing I've always had on my mind. I've always wanted to die young. Always. It sounds morbid and weird but its the only way I've ever known that my life could somehow show others the love of Christ. I know my life daily is a testimony to God's love. But I feel like if I died young, I could grab some attention, enough that these people who've I've longed to talk to for years and tried to show through actions for years that God loves them tremendously and unending, might get the message for once. And someone more eloquent with words then I, such as my brother, or a pastor could put into words the care that I've had for them, and the love that Christ has for them.
I don't think people understand that the world is changing in big ways. Revival is taking place all over. The Holy Spirit is amazingly powerful. People don't think he's relevant today...whatever...there are people all over my campus prophesying and praying and encouraging one another, and mentoring and pouring into one another in ways that are unexplainable except that it can only be the holy spirit. People don't understand that Jesus had the holy spirit with him during his life and that's where the power for him to heal and teach and do so many other things came from. And now that power...the power Jesus had to do all these miracles is in us. Living IN US!!!!!! That is huge. You guys...the holy spirit is real. And he's alive. He cured my good friend J-mar of her depression....do you understand that, depression is not something that usually just goes away, you usually just learn how to cope!!
God is good. God is love. Don't believe me..ask him. He'll tell you he loves you, just listen.